cause it's about to get real up in hur.
haha.
no, seriously, though.
i've decided to use this blog for transparency.
i want it to be a space where i can feel free to deal with all of my hang ups.
so here goes...
honest to blog.
my body and i have quite a sorted past.
for the majority of our history together we have not been to kindly to one another.
meeting andrew was the thing that brought me up from the depths.
my mind stopped tormenting me for the first time that i could remember.
as far back as preschool, i can remember comparing myself to the other girls and knowing that i was just not good enough.
i remember feeling alienated in kindergarten.
i knew i was not as pretty nor was i as skinny as the other girls.
this self-doubt lasted through elementary, middle, and high school.
i was a perpetual dieter.
it probably didn't help that i was a dancer.
i had the opportunity to dance with other girls{ far more beautiful than i} clad in leotards and tights in front of a wall of mirrors for hours each week.
i played a little soccer, which called for more clothes, but no less self-doubt.
i cheered competitively and for our varsity football team.
again, self-doubt bordering self-hatred.
it also probably didn't help that none of my friends broke 120 on the scale.
i lived on 800 calories a day.
when i wasn't dancing, cheering, or playing sports, i was at the gym.
working out.
i got a boyfriend.
he noticed me at the gym.
and when i broke my foot senior year and had to stop a lot of activity,
he "lovingy" pinched the skin on my stomach and let me know that he noticed i was putting on weight.
but you know what?
even on 800 calories and a minimum of two hours of exercise daily,
i could not lose enough weight to make me happy.
my lowest possible weight was 128 - on my 5'4" frame.
it never made sense to me.
i worked so much harder than the rest of them.
i was stronger.
i could tour jete higher than any of them.
i could hyper-extend my toe-touch and i had a perfect pike.
i could put anyone up in a stunt.
i could throw the highest basket toss.
i was all-american in cheerleading.
but, i could never be happy with myself.
my entire life had been lived on a diet.
and, i was through.
i meet andrew my first semester freshman year - in Greek class.
he was beautiful.
and i put him on my "potential husband list,"
knowing that he'd never talk to me.
but, we did talk.
we talked, and talked, and talked.
he seemed to like me.
so, i took a chance and i told him how i felt.
he felt the same.
this was new.
and, exciting.
{and, did i mention that I was at my heaviest weight up until then?}
we fell in love.
and i weighed 150lbs.
i would like to say that i have never had issues with my weight since.
but, here i am.
blogging.
about my weight.
so the story went.
we fell in love.
we got married.
we had a baby.
and, here i am.
i loved being pregnant.
i loved my body.
but, now a year after giving birth,
i am in a rut.
i weigh 158.
i'm squishy.
and, i need a change.
20lbs may be too much to ask.
i know.
i will never have to time to be as active as i was in high school.
and, i'm not starving myself again.
but, i think i can do it.
i need some motivation.
and, preferably some warmer weather.
but, i think i can.
i know that no one really reads this blog,
but on the off chance that someone is out there reading this crap,
i think i'm moving forward.
i will be posting my weight for all to see.
maybe this will be my motivation.
so, if you are out there.
let me know sometime.
leave some encouragement.
hold me accountable.
if not for the 20lbs,
for the 13 i need to lose to have a healthy bmi.
here's to loving myself
... and then maybe losing some weight in the process.
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